The USS Enterprise – The Unrepentant Satire Story
by scandaldennie
Summary: A comment on a trend I've noticed in Fanfic, in Fanfic form. Don't take it seriously.


It was a stardate like any other. The crew of the USS Enterprise was going about its business, exploring the galaxy and whatnot, when they received orders for an investigatory and/or rescue mission.

A group of scientists were sent on a research assignment to a newly discovered planet called Phanfikshun. At first, their reports had come at regular intervals, talking about the wondrous nature of the planet. According to the scientists any whim, any impulse of creativity – no matter how wild, absurd, or ridiculous – was manifested by the planet. Then a transmission from the scientists mentioned a strange affliction that overcame the research party, an affliction that caused their creations to turn against them. Then all transmissions stopped.

***

"Captain," Lieutenant Uhura said, her hand on the receiver in her ear. "I'm receiving a transmission from StarFleet Command."

"Put it on the speaker," Captain Jim Kirk said.

"Captain Kirk of the USS Enterprise," the voice echoed across the bridge. "We need you to go the planet Phanfikshun and look for our missing rescue team. We sent them looking for the rescue team that we sent to look for the rescue team that went looking for the missing scientists. There's something down there. Whatever it is, we've lost too many men to it. With your service record, I'm sure you'll have no problems. StarFleet Command out."

"Very well," Kirk said. "Mr. Sulu, set a course for the planet Phanfikshun."

"Course set, Captain," Sulu replied.

"Warp factor one," Kirk said.

"Warp factor one," Sulu replied.

***

After some indeterminate time, the Enterprise reached the mysterious planet.

"Are you ready Mr. Spock?" Kirk asked his first officer.

"Ready for what, Captain?" the pointy-eared Spock asked.

"To beam down to the planet, of course. I want to take a look around. First hand," Kirk said. "I want to know. What we're up against."

"Are you sure that's logical, Captain?" Spock asked. "So many others have succumbed to whatever makes its home on the planet. Is it wise to expose ourselves to it?"

"Those men could be in danger," Kirk shot back. "Records show that the scientists' creations were the source of the problem. Of whatever overcame them. If we keep our focus, we should be safe. I'm sure we can. Escape. The pull of Phanfikshun."

"If you say so Captain," said the Vulcan. "I will, like always, trust your judgment."

Kirk was wrong though. They too succumbed to the unfortunate effects of Phanfikshun. Like so many others before them, no matter how high the ideals, no matter how pure the creative drive, anyone who is a part of Phanfikshun is inevitably led down the same path. The two of them beamed down to the planet and caught the gay.

They threw away their phasers and instantly grabbed each other in a passionate embrace.

"As you are the Captain and I am your subordinate, this is highly illogical," Spock said breathlessly.

"The only illogical thing. Is how long we've been apart," Kirk replied, making out with Spock some more.

Then they beamed back up to the ship without looking for the scientists or rescue party, because the feebly conceived mission was just an excus… the catalyst of their transformation. At first the other crew members were surprised and confused.

"What the hell happened down there?" McCoy asked. "And why are you two holding hands."

"We're in love," Kirk said gaily. "The planet had nothing to do with it. We've always been destined to be together."

"This is simply the next logical step in our relationship," Spock said, also gaily.

But the surprise didn't last long, because Phanfikshun wasn't content with one gay couple. No, once two people turn gay, every other damn person has to as well. That's how Phanfiktshun works.

"Why are you two holding hands?" McCoy asked again, his voice sounding more gay this time. "You should be with me. You know I've always loved you Jim."

"Nothing. Can come between the eternal and unfettered love I feel for Spock," Kirk said. "He and I were. Destined to be in love. That's why we're in so many scenes. Settings, I mean settings. Together. Sorry Bones."

"But we're best friends!" shouted Bones. "We've known each other since the Academy! I don't care if you're with Spock. If I have to share you in some sort of ridiculous all-male love triangle, I will."

Kirk opened his mouth to say something like "Spock alone holds my beating heart, in all the distantless reaches of space, I will never find anyone whose love is as eternal as Spock's", but Phanfikshun reached out again because creating situationally and canonically unfeasible drama is one of the sole aims of Phanfikshun. So instead Kirk said:

"A space-soap-opera style love triangle. Filled with pages and pages worth of transcriptions of verbal interactions of pure angst and indecision. It's perfect!"

"As illogical as love is, I am willing to permit myself to feel these feelings," Spock said. "However, my reason has not abandoned me to an extent where I will share the Captain with you doctor."

And then Spock and McCoy started fighting. Even though Spock's Vulcan heritage gives him superhuman strength, it didn't seem to matter because the fight would be one-sided and less interesting that way. So the two men were locked in even, violent combat. As they rained blows down upon each other Kirk hid behind his Captain's chair biting his nails. The fight was brought to a swift and sudden end when Spock administered his patent-pending Vulcan neck pinch – albeit his wrist was oddly limper than usual – at the exact same moment that Bones injected Spock with a quick-release hypo full of sedatives. Again, events seemed to ignore Spock's naturally stronger physiology and he and McCoy dropped to the floor. I mean deck. Because spaceships are the same as boats, and there is more homosexuality on boats too.

Kirk stepped over the two unconscious men and walked over to Uhura because it looked like she wanted to talk to him.

"This doesn't make any sense," she said, taking that little silver thing out of her ear. You see, Uhura wasn't touched by Phanfiktion because ever since Yeoman Rand disappeared the only other woman on the Enterprise whose name Uhura knew was Nurse Chapel but she never seemed to be around. So Uhura was still straight.

"It doesn't make sense that you're gay," she continued as if there hadn't just been an explanatory interruption. "What about the countless number of women who've you slept with? How can you have chased so much tail in the past if you've been gay the whole time?"

"It's true," Kirk said seriously, emotions welling up in his eyes. "I have been with. A lot of women. But it's all just been. A lie. I knew that no one would accept me. For who I was. So I pretended to be someone else. I lied to protect myself from the. Harsh, unforgiving nature of our society. Or some made up thing like that. I was wearing a mask. Showing a fake. Face to the world. A face. Other than what I was. But now, I don't feel that I need to. Hide. Anymore. I feel that, here, in the realm of Fanfikshun, I can finally just be. Me. I can let my true self be. Free. And not have to worry about repressing myself. I can finally let. My true feelings soar like the birds. The space birds. I'm unleashing the true Captain Kirk, and nothing will stop me."

To which Uhura replied "That's gay," and walked off the bridge.

Kirk went and sat in his chair and said "Set a course to Earth. We have to show the world. What we've become. Even though we've always been like this, I suddenly feel the need to. Rub it in everyone's faces. I have to express my new-found gayness at. Every opportunity. I know that this is the will of. Phanfiction."

But no one was listening. Spock and McBones were still out cold, Uhura had left, and Sulu and Chekov were making out. Prior to this point they hadn't shown any particular interest in each other, but they sat next to each other on the bridge so it was an obvious choice, really, that Fanficshun brought them together. Kirk saw this and just smiled. He smiled, even though nothing was getting done and the ship was floating aimlessly, because under the influence of fanfiction stories, or actions aren't important. Nothing was as important as people being themselves, developing their character. And the gay.

Kirk knew this, so he smiled. It was a gay smile.


End file.
